December 6, 2017 | Why?

Why can I not just find a peaceful, beautiful answer to my questions that drive me mad? I just want to love others, help others, and live a happy life. Why? My head feels messed up, in the way that I just feel like all my thoughts are disorganized, I can’t focus, I’m having trouble putting my thoughts and words together. Maybe humans like me just cannot live. Whether it’s “nature”, or the “universe”, or “God”, or “me” that decided this, I just want it to end, whether it ends bad or good. I just can’t do this anymore. Why doesn’t the body die from mental illness, but it dies from physical illness? I honestly don’t know what to do right now. I feel like my mind is getting teared and scratched apart. All I imagine is my brain’s white matter getting ripped apart, getting mixed in my head like a pair of raw eggs. I can’t take this. Why? Why? If I loose my mind, please remember me as someone who from the bottom of their heart just wanted to love and help others. To others who are suffering similarly, please stay strong. I hope I don’t loose myself. I don’t want to loose myself guys. I can’t hold back the tears. The people I love come to my mind, but no matter how hard I am trying I can’t change this. Why? I’m trying really hard, I really am. I’ve fallen. I don’t know what other avenue to chase. What do I do? How can I save myself? Can someone save me? Can something save me? I’ve received so much support from my family and girlfriend and I still feel myself slipping away. I have somehow continued to carry on even though many times I am not even conscious as to how I achieved it. If I loose my mind, will I be able to carry on? Or will I be lost, forever? Will I die sooner? Will I wish I were dead if I can’t reason correctly anymore? Will I want to live more? Will I think and live as an animal? Will people still love after my essence leaves my mind? Will I still be able to love? Why? Why? How am I still writing this? Why mind, why? If my body and mind where made to survive and live as comfortable as possible, then mind, why can’t you just tell me what you need so you can heal? I’m willing to heal, seriously, I really want to! Your still alive tender mind of mine. The only thing that can’t be fixed is death, so you still have a chance. Come on mind of mine, take the chance, heal, save, and thrive! Is it because your chemically deprived? I’ve always believed that the brain can always heal itself and recover, but maybe you really  do need certain chemicals to be given to you orally permanently, and maybe that way you’ll be good. But why didn’t you need them for 19 years of your life, and now at 20, you do? Why? What do you need mind? What do you need soul? Are you a good person, are you a bad person? I’m really going to miss my girlfriend if I loose myself. I’m really going to miss my mom if I loose my mind. I’m really going to miss my dad if I loose him. Depression, obsession, anxiety, insanity, unanswerable questions. Cluttered mind. Low self esteem with a good outer image. I truly care more about the inside, which is why any material or expensive asset, cannot heal my soul. That’s why I fell for my girlfriend, she had the best personality and soul ever at the hospital! She had short hair, which I never thought I would like on a girl, personally. I honestly felt weird when she first talked to me. But after learning about herself, her struggles, her personality, her essence, I fell for her. When she told me she didn’t love me my heart broke and I was ready to leave her. Anyways, we were gonna have a break in our relationship that day but we decided we wanted to be back together ASAP that same day, haha. And when you told me you loved me after spending lovely times in my Red Bugatti 😉 (jk it’s just a Toyota), you told me you loved me. I didn’t want to freak you out again, so I didn’t say I love you back. Yo asked why I didn’t say I love you back, and I told you the truth. That I didn’t want to freak you out like last time, haha. You said sorry for that other time, and we went back to lovely times in the whip until a security guard pulled up on us with his cop lantern and shined it at our window. We eventually gave him a thumbs up sign, and he left quick. That’s what we get for not being independent adults. Haha jk. I really want to heal. I want to feel how I felt when I was 13. I want to fee alive, happy, loveable towards others and myself. I want to connect with people, I want to laugh, I want to live, I want to have genuine smiles and cause others genuine smiles, genuinely. I don’t want to loose my mind, but I really need to figure these thoughts of mine out. I just realized that I have not indented this at all. Oh well, it’s my writing, it’s my way, it’s my words, my style of writing at this moment. No cut, no break, just expressing my mind and feelings through this amazing tool called human language. I wish I was making a video, the the physical aspect of this language was not left out. How can one live like this? It’s impossible. Man, I really don’t want to loose myself. Oh man. Why is life mean though? Why? Psychosis. Why?

  1 comment for “December 6, 2017 | Why?

  1. Mat
    December 7, 2017 at 8:06 am

    I felt this way going off of meds cold turkey. It became that bad that I couldn’t think a single thought. I think I have a slight mental impairment since then. So just in case you went off your meds, I recommend to do it slowly. Over the course of a year or two.
    Things can get worse if you experience another psychotic episode. I went off meds another time, but over the course of 5 months. I became psychotic again and I’m now taking more meds than I had before.

    But anyways, don’t give up! All things pass.

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