November 30 2017 | Fuck

I don’t know what it is, but whenever I am feeling better and I strive for more at life, I start falling down quick. Like, lately I’ve been feeling better, a lot better. Because I have been feeling better, I decided to start working. I worked doing some masonry with a family member. Anyways, I also enjoy web development, so I decided to start doing that too in my free time. And so right now I am at a coffee shop doing some web development, and I feel a bit tired. So the thing is, I get like hypertension when sitting for too long. But I want to feel like I am doing something productive. I also enjoy this hobby. The point is, this is somehow triggering me. Like I am starting to have that delusion that I’ve been talking about since the beginning of this blog. It sucks. I don’t know what to do. My hope begins to fade when this happens. I suspect I might be schizophrenic, or at least have some sort of psychosis. I am currently attending a therapist who works on cognitive therapy for people who have undergone psychosis. This is to build up the brain after the damage that has been caused by a psychotic episode. Honestly fellows, i’d rather dies than to live being psychotic. I understand that you should fight till the end, but what is a life where you live in a delusion. What kind of life is that. A life where you are always feeling confused and feel like your brain is deficient and inferior to everyone else. It’s like a character flaw, that you can’t change, as hard as you try. If I had cancer maybe I would keep fighting (though I can never know because I have not been through such a disease), but this, people get judgemental about. No one wants to have kids with a psychotic person. What kind of miserable life awaits one who is psychotic. I really want to explain to my girlfriend more about what I feel, and I have too. I don’t want to hide this from her. Either there is hope for a full recovery of psychosis/schizophrenia, or I’d rather die. Honestly. Like, seriously, a life like this is more than fucked up. My whole essence and existence is at stake. 🙁

  3 comments for “November 30 2017 | Fuck

  1. Mat
    December 2, 2017 at 8:00 pm

    Hi. I read your posts from 5th of june to now. I appreaciate these kind of postings, because often you forget that stuff or nobody else ever knows whats going on with you. I’m glad you found support and a girlfriend. She might even know whats going on with you.
    I hear voices, but don’t believe them. Sometimes they help me make the right decisions though.
    So its not such a huge problem when on meds. But i’d also love to be healthy in my body and mind. I wont give up.

    • chromechris
      December 5, 2017 at 1:34 am

      You inspire me friend. Thanks for your support. I as well support you. I really want to recover fully also! Your words inspire to keep going and grow hope. Thanks.

  2. Mat
    December 2, 2017 at 8:02 pm

    For notifications.

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