September 10 2017 | LOML

So . . . . . Yesterday I had a major emotional/psychotic breakdown. I cannot begin to explain the distress I went through. I believe it is perhaps the worst distress I have been through yet. I was in the verge of committing suicide. SO close that I grabbed my .22 tactical rifle, loaded a full 25 round magazine in, and held the muzzle under my neck with my finger right around the trigger. It’s crazy that a few moments after that my mom came knocking into the room, and I quickly hid my rifle under my bed. I cried a lot. I watched videos of police fatally shooting people, live death sentence by lethal injection videos. I had an enormous migraine, enormous. I completely believed that I had ruptured arteries in my brain. Seriously. I was weeping uncontrollably, exclaiming the word “Why!?” out loud alone in the house. I couldn’t think anymore. I felt like I could not control my thoughts. I could barely open my eyes. The light hurt my eyes a lot. I called my mom who was not in the house, and told her to please come. My mom came, brought Panda Express, and gave me meds to help my headache and anxiety. I told her to lay with me in bed for a while, and I experienced a peace and joy that I had not experienced in a long time. I realized a lot of things that day.

 

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