August 27 2017 | Damaged

The shit I have gone through makes me question my whole existence all together. I have recently purchased a tactical .22 rifle because I was planning on ending myself. I no longer wanted to live. My thoughts have consumed me and made me feel like a psychopath. I don’t want to go completely crazy and do something which I don’t want to do and will regret, hence I really wanted/want to end my life. I remember a song from Kendrick Lamar called “Dying of Thirst”. I played it many times in my car on my way to school. I own the “Good Kid Maad City” album from Kendrick Lamar on CD. There is a specific phrase in the song that states: “Banana Clip, Split His Banana Pudding”. The rifle I bought holds 25 rounds in a banana clip/magazine. I laid in my bed everyday and accepted my death. I became at peace with it. I lost fear. I began to loose all common fears that I had. Fear from cars, others, anything. I wasn’t scared to die. I didn’t fear looking at people down in their eyes. I was ready. I lost the light in me. I don’t want to harm others. I no longer know if I believe in God. My brain is exhausted. My brain no longer knows what to believe. I cannot find a truth in life. Beyond dying, I am loosing my essence. I am a lone wolf in this world. I only have my mother. My only companion. My brain no longer knows how to connect with others. I don’t know what I’ve become.

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